e g g m a n
by SladeJT
Summary: I wrote this at 3 am today. Its insane, yet very funny. A songfic staring Doctor Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik with his theme song from Sonic Adventure 2, "e.g.g.m.a.n." Hope you like it!


"_The story begins with who's gonna win... Knowing the danger that lies within..._"

A gruff voice that definitely was no divine being that loved its creations had meant to be singing could be heard. A figure began to come into view. It was an old, fat man. He was bald with an outrageously long reddish-brown mustache. The horrid singer was wearing a red pajama shirt and black pajama pants with 1-inch stylized images of his own head saturating the cloth like polka dots. He was moonwalking along the metal floor with ease, thanks to his Dark Chao slippers.

"_Aboard the ARK, a genius at heart! Wanting to unlock the mysteries of life..._"

Doctor Ivo Robotnik preformed a 1620 degree spin (which is four full revolutions and half of one, bringing his face into view) and, at the end, quickly lifted his right arm up to a 45 degree angle with his index finger straight.

"_I am the **Eggman!**_"

He grinned.

"_That's what I am._" he 'sang' with a nod. "_I am the Eggman! I got the master plan._"

The wicked scientist spun again, this time just for just one full revolution, and then... er... cupped the place between his legs and pelvic-thrusted.

"_I am the Eggman! That's what I am. I am the Eggman! I got the ma-aster plan._"

A screen lowered from the ceiling behind him as the lights dimmed. It flickered to life, showing various images of Robotnik's battles with Sonic and some of his bases, including the ARK, the Death Egg (1 and 3), and the Egg Carrier.

"_I'm plotting my schemes wherever I go, they're perfect in every way._"

The picture changes, showing Sonic being smashed by the ol' giant checked ball, Sonic on the business end of Robotnik's Egg Carrier's laser cannon (overkill, yes, but very satisfying), and Sonic screaming in pain as Robotnik gleefully jumps on him many, many times.

"_I'd love to destroy the blue one you know! He's always an obstacle that gets in my way..._"

The lights came on as the screen turned off and raised back up. Robotnik was copping his crotch again and did not one, not two, but three pelvic thrusts and then two quick spins.

"_I must play this game by my rules! I will conquer the world with my tools!_"

Robonik held up what looked like a rubber ducky. He squeezed it, but instead of a squeak, its 'beak' emitted a fine beam of red light. It was a laser! But... why was it a duck?

"_All my machines are made for destruction._" were his words as he chucked the dangerous toy behind him. When it landed, a small beam of light shot off behind him, hitting an old Tails Doll, probably the one he made for that race about eleven years ago...

"_I will build my empire! I will succeed... and you will see..._"

The madman pointed in front of him... toward... this screen? Okay, is he breaking the fourth wall here or what?

"_..with my machines, there is no retreat!_"

Robotnik broke out into a sort of sloppy little jig, which ended about ten seconds later with him panting.

"_I am... the Eggman... That's... what I am. I am the Eggman... I got the... master plan._"

After that last bit, he managed to recover his breath.

"_I am the Eggman! That's what I am. I am the Eggman! I got the ma-aster plan!_"

"_I am the enemy, I will succeed! My mission..._" Here, he paused for a couple seconds. He looked like he was thinking hard before talking again. "Yeah... I must complete."

"_My name is Eggman, don't forget my name. If you ask me again I'll tell you the same!_"

We shift away from the computer screen, revealing what we have seen and heard to be merely a rather silly Flash animation made by some silly person who has too much free time. Seated before the computer was Tails, who could not stop laughing. Standing next to Tails was Sonic, who was staring at the screen as if it had somehow warped into his old friend Ray the Flying Squirrel and told him that the planet Mongoose was on fire and needed his nose.

"That... is the _weirdest_ thing I have _ever _seen..." the cobalt-blue hedgehog muttered as the animation ended.


End file.
